This fanfiction is not mine. May I be struck by lightning and have my dick pickled should I write something nearly or as abysmal as the following selection.
-Start of fic
Hey! Cloudy-Skies86 here to welcome you to the revised version of my first Saiyuki fanfic. Please read and review. (She tells us this is revised. Maybe in another galaxy, they have another definition of the word revised which is perhaps synonymous with mucopurulent.)
Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki or any of its characters so please do not sue me, however, I do own Emiko, Lady Suki, and Chibi please ask me before using any of these people. (She admits to the ownership of the things that make me and good people bleed involuntarily. Where's that mob who's supposed to burn a hakenkreuz on her face?)
The silhouette of two slender women can be seen in a tiny room, "So you understand why I am doing what I am doing…right?" the woman in the doorway asked nervously, rocking the bundle in her arms. (Of course I understand. You’re trying to commit genocide by spreading the love and your legs.)
"Yes Lady Suki," the other woman nodded. (How about using commas correctly? That is a bigger crime than using single quotation marks.)
"Good," Lady Suki answered, her voice as soft as (her breasts with budding carnations at their peaks that are overflowing with skim chocolate milk that makes people beautiful) ever, "I really love her, but I cannot care for her. I really appreciate all you are doing for me Chibi," the woman said lovingly (Kudos to the one who can spot the lesbian innuendo).
"It is my pleasure madam," Chibi replied (Strawberry Pocky if you get that too).
Lady Suki looked down at the bundle in her arms, "I love you my child. I know you are an infant and do not understand what I am doing, but hopefully one day you will," she looked back up at Chibi (incorrect usage of comma again), "Please take good care of my child. When she is old enough to understand, please let her know that I love her," she gently handed to bundle to Chibi (and again), "Give her a name that expresses her beauty and tells how special she really is," (How, pray tell, does Emiko represent said characteristics?) Lady Suki asked before covering he (her) face with her hands and running out.
Chibi looked down at the child in her arms than back to the open door, "I do not understand why you are doing this to your one and only child," she said solemnly. She looked back down at the child, "You are a blessed, beautiful child (of course she’s blessed and beautiful for the god of this universe is the author that is immune to hallucinogens because her delusions can easily mask any substance, natural or otherwise)," the infant began to cry, "I am here so cry not…Emiko." (Emiko is the name that she denies having any connection with except its being the name of her OC despite the glaring obviousness.)
(12 years later)
A young girl with a collar-bone length (note that it’s collar-bone length, not collar length, collarbone length or clavicle length), black ponytail, is running through the semi-crowded (semi-crowded…can you see the colors that this “story” induces? Ha, no, that was the morphine helping me get through this. In case you haven't noticed, I'm being sarcstic.) hallway, her blood-red eyes wide with fear and a meat bun hanging from her mouth. She pushed through the people in the hall, causing them all to turn around and look at her (because of her divine grace, the author imagines).
"Give that back you little thief," Gojun yelled as he quickly rounded the corner after her. The young child looked over her shoulder nervously before rounding another corner, "I said give it back!" Gojun yelled as he too rounded the corner. (Gojun is purposefully boring because original characters are more important than him. Remember Kazuya Minekura is merely a vessel for this author’s unparalleled talent. Maybe, someday we would see Minekura-san groveling for the rights of these original characters.)
He ran right past the little girl, who had pressed herself against the wall, "Heh heh," she laughed as she walked back around the corner and through the meat bun in the air. (And so we know that the phrase “her blood-red eyes wide with fear,” was mentioned in order to exhibit the red eyes, the author either does not know how to show that in a more original way [which is very understandable since she came up with fantabulous original characters that there was nothing left of her “creativity”] or simply doesn’t care about the incongruity of her statements. If you didn't understand that, try this: how could she appear to be so afraid a little while ago and then become mischievous all of a sudden?)
She was very surprised to see that it didn't come back down, (another misplaced comma) "Are you being a bad little girl,(?)" came a familiar voice from behind her.
She nervously turned around, but smiled big when she saw Tenpou smiling down at her (I can practically see the atmosphere crackling with electricity because of the amazing descriptions and the author’s strength in showing the depth of character that Emiko has. She smiles big, after all.), "Tenpy," she said excitedly as she jumped up and hugged him. (Please let’s not start with the Tenpy. I don’t have enough bottles of aspirins.)
"Hey sweetheart," he smiled as he returned the hug (“Tenpy” has a library and he found in one of the books that if you want to be a lover and a mother to the same person, one should use the term “sweetheart.”), "Now now," he said as he lowered (who?) back down to the floor, "You're how old now?" he asked politely (and secretly wished that her panties would fall as she answers the question because he’s a pedophile and is sick of mastErbating all day [note that the incorrect spelling is coined from the author]).
"Twelve," she said happily. (“And I already have my period so we can produce offspring named Sweetheart Tenpy, Sweetheart Hakky and Sweetheart Emi.")
"So aren't you a little old to be playing these sorts of tricks?" he asked sternly. (The innuendo is as clear as a putrescent blemish on Sanzo-sama’s awesome face. For the sake of the ignorant: A little old = old enough to be deflowered)
"But Tenpy," She whined. (“I thought you liked me!”)
"But Tenpy nothing young one," he kneeled down in front of her when he noticed her pouting, and held her chin, "I know you're bored, but if you keep getting in trouble, Lady Chibi will get in trouble too. You don't want that do you?" he said politely. (Great job on not making Hakkai a one-dimensional character. You used the sentence “he said politely,” twice in the same brain-dead conversation.)
"I guess not," she said sadly.
"Now that's a good a girl," Tenpou said as he stood up.
"There you are you little mongrel," Gojun said angrily as he ran up behind her, it was evident that he was out of breath.
"Now now, is that really necessary?" Tenpou smiled.
"She stole my food," Gojun said, fire (from the foulest farts of forty-year old fat fucks) in his eyes.
"And I took it back. I told her that it was wrong and she agreed to try to behave herself," Tenpou said, a little aggravated himself.
"She still needs to be punished for what she did," Gojun insisted (Don’t you think a little more description would help to show how determined Gojun is? Something perhaps that has nothing to do with stupid fire in the eyes because that is so lame and ubiquitous?)
"Tenpy," the little girl said, looking up at him with big, innocent eyes. (See what I mean? People with no talent, read: T-A-L-E-N-T-L-E-S-S, just couldn’t do without the cliché “The eyes are the windows to the soul.”)
"Yes," Tenpou smiled down at her. (“While Kenren Taisho is asleep, I shall swallow his balls and kiss you afterwards, dear sweetheart, child of innocence, mischief, beauty and blessedness.”)
"I really am sorry, I did learn my lesson, honest," she said sweetly. (and sweetness too!)
"I know that Emiko, but don't tell me, tell Angry-With-Scales over there," he commented (Was that supposed to be witty? Sounds like a rip-off from a Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen movie.).
Gojun gave him a dirty look. Emiko turned around and looked at Gojun innocently, "I'm sorry Master Gojun," she said sweetly. (Is there more to this OC than sweetness, innocence and all that uneducated claptrap?)
"Sometimes sorry doesn't cut it Emiko, you know that," he scorned.
"May I please go back to my room?" she asked, sweeter still.
"No," Gojun scolded. (People scold others with only one negative word? Is that some new technology or holy ritual? I certainly haven’t heard of the verb ‘scold’ being used in this context.)
"Let her go Gojun," Tenpou insisted.
"Do not tell me what to do," Gojun said angrily. (Wow! Is this déjà vu or what? Insisted? Angrily? With the exception of the verbs and adverbs that you used out of context, you can probably count the parts of your vocabulary with one hand. Let me also tell you that words that you can spell but cannot define will not count as part of your active or passive vocabulary.)
Tenpou smiled down at Emiko, "Let us grown-ups talk ok. You go back to your room."
"Ok, but can I ask you something first?" she said sweetly.
"Yes," Tenpou nodded.
"Are you gonna finish that?" she asked, pointing at the meat bun. (How original! You basically just added salt, pepper and cream of tartar to Lirin to create Emiko. I have to applaud you though. I didn’t think you could make something more tasteless by adding ingredients.)
"Oh, no. Go on ahead and have it," he smiled as he handed it to her.
Gojun looked slightly annoyed (‘with’ would be more appropriate) at this delay in his discussion with Tenpou, "Are you sure?" she asked.
"Just take the man's food," Gojun insisted.
"Ok," she said happily as the (she) took the meat bun and skipped off.
"Now where were we," Gojun thought, "Oh yes, she is a little thief. She strolled into my office and took my food right out from under (confusion with prepositions. If you aced your English test, my guinea pig could be your professor…that is if I have a guinea pig who is dumb enough to teach you.) my nose," he said angrily.
"Yes, and I took it from her and told her that she needs to stay out of trouble," Tenpou argued.
"Look, I won't tell the Jade Emperor of this. May I just please have my lunch," he asked, holding out his hand.
"Absolutely," Tenpou answered as he went to give him the meat bun, "That's weird," he said, checking his pockets, "Where did it go?"
Both the men's eyes got big as they looked at each other, "Emiko!" they said in unison. They both ran as fast as they could in the direction that she had went (use past participle of go: gone).
Emiko sat staring out the window of the tiny, servant's quarter, "I'm soooooo bored," she whined. (I could say the same for this story.)
"I know Lady Emiko, but you are being punished for what you did," Chibi said quietly. Chibi was a tall slender woman that looked quiet (quite. So much about your bragging that you’ve grown up as a writer quite a BIT. I can’t even give you a teeny-weeny bit.) a bit like Gojun, but she was pitch-black, with bright blue eyes. She wore the normal clothing of a servant woman. (Chibi is the Japanese word for small and yet she’s a tall slender woman. Woman, are you being sarcastic? Because I sure as hell am.)
"But it was so fun," Emiko smiled, eyes twinkling.
"Yeah, but was it worth it?" she asked. (No, reading this is certainly not worth it.)
"Hmmm," Emiko thought for a moment, "It was a really good meat bun," she said.
"Lady Emiko!" Chibi said, a little surprised.
"Ok ok," she said excitedly, "Maybe it wasn't that good," she confessed.
"Well just think, this gives us a chance to talk," Chibi smiled as she walked over to the end of the bed and began to fold clothes.
"Oh joy," Emiko said sarcastically, rolling her eyes.
"Uh," Chibi said, slightly offended.
"Ok ok," Emiko walked over and plopped down on the bed, "What you wanna talk about?" she asked, not very enthused (“disinterestedly” would be a good choice of word but you didn’t know that.).
"I don't know," Chibi replied, "I know you ask me whatever you want and I'll answer, sorta like…twenty questions," she said happily.
"Ok, do you honestly hate me this much?" Emiko asked. (I do.)
"Lady Emiko!" Chibi looked a little shocked.
"Kidding kidding," Emiko said, waving her hands in the air.
"Fine I'll go first, why do have to be such a little trouble-maker?" Chibi asked.
"Ha ha ha. Fine I'll play your little game…hmm, why do you call me Lady Emiko?" Emiko asked.
Chibi looked a little surprised, "Ok game over," she said quickly.
"Why? You wanted to play this little game, so let's play. Why do you call me Lady?" Emiko asked once more.
"You are a goddess and I am a servant," Chibi answered hesitantly.
"Me…a goddess?" Emiko asked unbelievingly. (What a surprise. I think there’s pee in my undies.)
"Well, half goddess," she corrected herself.
"Hmmm, what's my other half then?" Emiko asked curiously.
"Demon," Chibi answered, hesitant once more.
"Demon!" Emiko asked excitedly. (Of course she should be excited. Some demons have more than six dicks and libidos as fiery as balrogs.)
"Yes," Chibi replied, she seemed a little worried.
"Is that why my mother didn't want me?" she asked, sadness evident in her voice.
"She realized that you would not be excepted (or is it ‘accepted?’), so it was better for you to live your live here with me. You'll live her and die here."
"Die!?!" Emiko asked worriedly, "But Chibi, I don't wanna die." (Oh but I want you to die for the sake of the dolphins.)
"And I don't want you to die," Chibi said honestly.
"I'm half goddess, there must be something I can do to stop it," Emiko said hopefully.
"Well," Chibi began. She shook her head, "No there's not," she lied.
"Please tell me the truth," Emiko begged. (Can you please elaborate how in the hell did Emiko figure out that Chibi was lying? Your thinking is so erratic.)
Chibi walked over to her and removed the chocker from around the young child's neck, "There," she smiled.
"What did you do?" Emiko asked.
"Go look in the mirror," Chibi ordered as she pointed to it.
Emiko walked over to the mirror, her long black hair was now sporting some blood red highlights. Her left eye was red and the right eye gold. (The hairdresser had a hard time imagining this because it’s so original and revolutionary like using peacock feathers as pubic hair substitute.)
"Wow," she said as she placed her hand over her gold eye. (Why didn't you make her poke it?)
"Without your chocker (choker) you are immortal, with it you will age and are capable of death," Chibi said as she walked up behind the young girl.
"I won't die now?" she asked excitedly.
"No, but you will not age either," Chibi warned.
"That's fine by me," Emiko smiled, "I'm not sure I could get any more adorable anyway." (That’s what I was afraid of.)
Chibi laughed a little, but it passed and she looked a little worried, "We must hide this," she said as she frantically looked for a place to put the chocker (I don’t have to tell you thrice.).
"Not in here they'll find it," Emiko pointed out.
"Good point," Chibi said.
"I have an idea," Emiko smiled.
(Goku's Voice) Next chapter of Saiyuki. I enter the picture and Emiko and I become fairly good friends, but will she be able to stay out of trouble long enough for us to enjoy our time together? Next chapter 'Enter Goku'. (What happened to Konzen and Nataku? You're leaving so many things out. Your mediocre style, dispersed ideas, lack of talent, and arrogance will be the death of you.)
Well that's the end of chapter one. I hope you enjoyed it. Please read and review. (Yes, I'm reviewing.)
-End of Story/MST
Note: Sentences beginning with >> are my comments.
CloudySkies86 message:
Ok ok, I'll play your little game. First I would like to say that when I read your reviews, I cried. Not tears of pain, but because I was laughing so hard. You are positively pathetic. Why do you keep coming at me? I really am starting to believe that you have a thing for me and it makes me very uncomfortable.
I see you are starting your sentences with capitals, for this I am proud of you. I also wanted to point out that to you, Bubba, I didn't just call you forty, I believe I said, and I quote, "but I think you are some FATASS, BALDING, fouty-year old, MAN" so if you are only defending the fact that you are not forty, you are one very deformed young girl and YOU have the illness.
>>I will neither confirm nor deny her assumptions regarding my physical attributes. Maybe I am, Maybe I'm not but that's not gonna change the fact that she has no talent whatsoever. This is not about me because I know what I can do. Sometimes, I write sentences with grammatical errors but I'm willing to correct them, given the chance and the time. The latter which I'm afraid I lack, thus the typographical errors. However, it must be said that I proofread my stories before posting them.
I hope this will ease your discomfort: I don't feel anything remotely romantic or sexual for you because I demand good communication skills from my lovers. Let's see you report me to FFN authorities so they can remove my account. That's exactly what a loser would do in times of desperation.
Let me get this straight, if I find one grammar problem, then you will treat me like a human being? Well, like I said, I didn't bother reading your fic, you didn't really read mine either so, I guess we are even. What is suprising is that I merely glanced at you fic and I have two problems. First off, if you payed attention in english class (which is hard to believe since you don't even know what a pronoun is), than you would know that there should be two spaces after the period when you start the next sentence (which I was suprised to see started with a capital). Second off, 'this' is not a quotation, "this" is. 'This' symbol is used in words like don't, example: You DON'T have any room to insult me, or, I DON'T have time to waste critique every word of every chapter of your fic because I have to get to work on finishing mine.
There you go, not one, but two. Now leave me be so I can sit here and laugh at your stupidity. Please move on to someone who will not retaliate against you. If your harrasing doesn't (there's that symbol again) stop, I will not hesitate to report you. No it's (look look there it is again) not because I can't (look look it is being used properly) keep up with you, or that you're really affecting me at all, it is just because I really am tired of this and must focus on my fics.
>>Seeing as you 'PAYED' attention to your English classes, how could you believe something that is wrong all these years? Two spaces after a period in the sentence that used a pronoun? What kind of new invention is that? Your textbook writers must be on smack. Silly dear, when you mentioned that these "" are quotation marks, not these '', I had my doubts confirmed. You don't read classical novels. More than that, you didn't read Lord of the Rings where Tolkien used SINGLE QUOTATION MARKS and you have the audacity to desecrate it. Now, can you understand that it is left on the discretion of the writer if he or she uses single or double quotation marks? I like old style writing so I use singles. That symbol which you are desperately trying to tell me about is called apostrophe. Use two of these apostrophes and you have single quotation marks. I hope I have clarified that.
I can accept mistakes but please don't correct me if you're wrong or uncertain.
On the matter of your focus being on your fics, I have to question your credibility. I read your stories and they have been written poorly and carelessly. The MST will do you a lot of good because it appears that you're not paying attention to the reviewers who were nice enough to correct you nicely. Also, it's beginning to dawn on me why you refuse to read my story. You're afraid to find out that despite my chronic assaholic behavior, I am out of your league, way above you and the sky you look up to. I can safely say that because I read worthwhile materials that guide me through the writing process. But this isn't about me. As I said, I know what I can do. I make mistakes and am gracious enough to accept them as long as they really are erroneous.
This has been fun really Bubba, but let's just let this go ok? I don't want to be fifty and you seventy-two, and still have this silly little charade going on.
Oh and I forgot to say this before, DON'T CALL ME DEAR you sick, obsessive, pervert.
>>I'm a pervert. Really, I am. I'll send you a picture soon.
Signed,
Yes yes, this is good.
>>What's with this trademark saying that has absolutely no trace of wisdom in it? Is Vanilla Ice your idol? I would also like to advise you to place a comma in between the yes's. Then you can register it in your copyright so the whole world could laugh at you.
