the art of master-baiting

I love it when I get swift responses. It makes me think that all is well and swell with the world.

I have to admit that this is boring but hey, it's better than nothing. I went on a rampage the other day to see if there are still those who'd act graciously once they got the ring from me.

Bingo. We have two customers on the line.

Author: Aiko of the Akatsuki
Title of story: My Pain is Yours
Summary: Two kunoichi fall prey to the Akatsuki and each finds themselves seduced by different men; but their story is the same: she fell in love with him, he her. However, each seems to have their own secrets... Hidan/OC, Itachi/OC, Pain/Konan-Expect LEMONS!
My rating: S-class shit.
My flame: HAHAHA.
This flame actually sounds like any other flame I've sent to those delusional enough to write about the Mary Sue they want to be, the Mary Sue who would inexplicably fall from the sky and straight to the world of Naruto, and be the object of love of those who cannot be easily motivated to love.

You are so original. Has anyone bothered telling you that? You are. You're so expert at twisting characters out of character that I'm starting to believe you can be offered a membership at the Akatsuki org. Your specialty would be something like melting hearts or something. Or wait, don't tell me you've thought of that already? Sh!t. Why do you keep getting good ideas before I do? Don't you know that I'm the queen of all Mary Sues by birth?

Okay, enough. Your characterizations are so weak and cliched and I don't find anything in this that's remotely tolerable. It's just bad. You made everything so contrived and convenient for your pairings to come together. Ever heard of conflicts? Real ones? Convincing ones? I doubt I you even sat long enough to sip a coffee on it or something.

Her response: Ah, a flamer eh? How kindly of you to stop by and grace us with your
presence, although I must ask, were you being sarcastic? Attempting to piece
together the puzzle you've left for me has been quite a little project, no?

Beginning of course at the start of your review, you state that, "This flame
actually sounds like any other flame I've sent to those delusional enough to
write about the Mary Sue they want to be, the Mary Sue who would inexplicably
fall from the sky and straight to the world of Naruto, and be the object of
love of those who cannot be easily motivated to love".

Itachi and Hidan can quite easily be 'motivated', if you prefer to deploy
that term, to love in my opinion. Not only that, but this is FanFiction for
Jashin's sake my darling; anything can happen.

I mean, I could've easily gone and wrote about what happened in my OC's
pasts, but that is time consuming and would ruin the plot twists I have laid
out in my story already.

My response again:
Nope, I'm not being sarcastic. Whenever I pull on that stunt I have to accustom myself to expecting that people won't get it right away or in some cases, at all. That's why I gave up on sarcasm a long time ago. I'm generous on my good days, and noble on my worse ones. How can you even suggest that I'm being sarcastic? I'm a community volunteer for chrissake! I tell people to shut up soon as they start making a moron of themselves, and I do it for free: ergo, I do it for the good of everyone. Look at the review I just gave you.

Alright, let's cut to the meat. Your story's predictability can work easily as a gagging machine if you feed it with just the right amount of batteries. The first paragraph of my review sums up everything it is and everything it's going to be and if I mised anything, that's because I had dried milk for a midnight snack. May I remind you, for the last time, that the characters you want to pair up with your Mary Sues (who are the pimped up versions of yourself) are S-class murderers? Capable of homicide without regard for anything pretty? If you follow this line of logic, yes, only Mary Sues can melt that kind of hearts.

This is not to say, though, that it's impossible to write an OC fiction about them. Some good authors have done that before. You, however, draw from all excremental cliches and cram them in one document so that you can represent the fantasy that you no longer can hold back in. It's just plain retarded.

I stated my case clearly. You made things so convenient for your OC's that I'm led to believe you've imagined yourself a thousand times in their shoes, hoping to earn love the easy way. I talked about real conflicts and dilemmas and I find none in your fic except for the dilemmas I'm faced on whether I should go on reading or not. You mentioned that it's fan fiction, implying that one can do whatever he wants with it. But does fan fiction have to suck this bad? Why not ask yourself that question? I'm glad that you decided against writing about your Mary Sues' past, because I'm sure that would just absolutely crown the already unbeatable crappiness of your plot.

Don't write lemon for humanity's sake. It's enough that we get to have a glimpse at your fantasies, but sexual fantasies are another story. Toe off the line. I'd rather drown in romance paperbacks and never see the light of day again.

Have a good day,
Bet

And another:

Author: emogirl1790
Title of story: Natsuki
Summary: When a girl from England is transported through a puddle to Konoha 5 yrs after the Kyuubi's attack, will she use the opportunity to help Naruto's path in life? Or will she simply stand and watch? And does Konoha have more in store for her? KakaxOC
My rating: double S shit.
My flame: This is a parody, am I right?

If not, do not under any circumstance communicate with virgin bimbos and make up your mind for you so that they'd get to run this story by turning it into their ultimate fantasy of getting screwed and loved, which is even less likely. The last time I had cramps so bad was when I accidentally jogged in Quentin Ville in Denver for seven hours while fresh off from a two-year comatose. I ended up in the ICU soon after. Now how the hell are you going to pay for my medical bills?

If not still, you're simply horribly in want of ideas.

I can't believe that you weren't joking while you thought of this. I cant find any excuse for such a hideously cliched plot other than because you can't hold back years of pathetic fantasies that will never know any fulfillment. Did you even notice that your title and the name of your Mary Sue are the same?

Alright, you clearly stated that your OC is a Naruto fan, which would give her power over the whole village. You made it so convenient, so planned out for her to find her way to everyone's heart that I can't think of anything that would go wrong for her. You know what, delete this cr@p. No one's interested to hear what you want to happen to yourself so much that you can't restrain yourself from publishing such amazingly retarded ideas.

Push the effing button.

Her response:thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed review, i'm sorry that
the story isnt to your taste, but this is really just an outlet for me.

if you [the reader] does not enjoy these stories, that's fine with me. i
write what i like because i enjoy writing. simple as that (although i suggest
you stop reading stories like this though, because you're really just wasting
you own time). if i ask for ideas from my readers, it's because i'm interested
in what they want to happen.

the irrelevance of your own experiences helps little in how i am supposed to
improve my story, so again, a waste of your time.

and never in my story have i ever implied that i have any desire for any of
this to happen to me. this is purely an imagined adventure for an OC of mine.


btw, you may want to rethink the hypocrisy of your profile [as a major
flamer] to your first story "For What It Takes" [i quote "Don't flame. i hate
flames :-)"]

Peace

My response again:

So simply put, you indulge your readers who are most likely just as delusional as you. Wow. This is a rare case: bimbos ganging up to come up with a fine finished product. I'm curious, though, why none of you ever bothered with something that's not a cliche, retarded, or an abomination.

Again, without further adorning the language, let me tell you that you just gave every indication that you're an effing Mary Sue whose name is Natsuki and who made it to Naruto's world. Amazing! You people, I don't understand why you keep posting works that are just thinly-revised copies of one another. If you want so much to be Kakashi's girlfriends, please do not alert the entire world and gush out with something as blatant as this. So much for an outlet.

A waste of my time? Thanks for your concern; you should've just written that at the start of your crap so people would be able to avoid it.

"Don't flame. i hate flames :-)"

Shoot. Why did I ever forget that I wrote that?

With love,
Bet

*****

Two other stories I found amusing (by a single author):

Shikamaru Nara's Guide to Women - (woven by my own words) in which Nara Shikamaru fucks and fucks and spins out of control and character.

The Look in His Eyes - (woven in my own words) in which Uchiha Itachi takes his Mary Sue as his sex slave, fucks her brains out, cums inside her, and yeah, fucks her all the time.

*****

For the final wrap-up: Guys, as a peace-loving person, I am grieved to be a part of this unsolicited torture. I beseech you, therefore, to stop writing. It wouldn't hurt your chances at salvation if you ever do. It mightily pains me to think that there are people who try to justify what they lack by publicizing their pathetic fantasies (for the last time) in places I can find. Why ever drag others in when they can easily get lost?

Naruto category is a gold mine.