Miss Kampasi and Her Abilities

Words in between --( and )-- are mine.

A look of surprise crossed the boys --(where’s the apostrophe?)-- face, and then that of hatred. “What did I ever do to you, huh?” He snapped, claws coming out --(from where? His ears?)--. “If I wasn’t stuck to this damned tree, I’d teach you a thing or two!”
“Allow me to solve your problem!” Kiki exclaimed, limped over to the boy --(Syntax error. Kiki exclaimed, limping over to the boy OR Kiki exclaimed and limped over to the boy.)--. Her leg shot bolts of pain along her side but she ignored it. Her pride was overrunning her common sense; if she released Inuyasha from the tree, it would prove to be a difficult fight. However, Kiki was confident enough with her spiritual powers to let him loose and battle with him.
“W-what?” he stammered, surprised again. Kiki approached him and grabbed the arrow protruding from his chest as if to pull it out. The combination of her hand and the arrow did not produce what she expected however; an explosion of light filled the area, blinding her --(What poor description! A combination of her hand and the arrow? Will it make brownies? I’ll give you a more pellucid example. “Once her hand made contact with the arrow, she was surprised to find a burst of blinding light spread throughout the area.”)--. She could feel her spiritual energy being sucked straight out of her hands and into the arrow and the image began to flicker. The illusion of a round gem-like object replaced that of the arrow, it --(Where’s your comma here? Did it go on permanent vacation?)-- apparently being the source of all the light. In a standstill --(Standstill? That means a halt or cessation! It’s a noun! Why do you use it to describe another noun? What about a “moment of stillness”?)-- moment the jewel flew into Kiki’s hands, and as suddenly as the light had come, it ended. Out of pure surprise, she fell off the root and onto the dirt, clutching the object to her.
Inuyasha looked limp for a moment, his body slouched over and his hair masking his face --(Another syntax error with a mistake in punctuation. Do you even know how what you write sounds like? Inuyasha looked limp for a moment; his body slouched over, his hair masking his face OR Inuyasha looked limp for a moment and his body slouched over with his hair masking his face OR Inuyasha looked limp for a moment; his body slouched over and his hair masked [covered would be more fitting, by the way] his face. The clause, “his body slouched over” is an independent one. Separate that from another independent clause [e.g. Inuyasha looked limp for a moment] with a comma and you have yourself a run-on sentence and no chance to pass the mistake off as an anacoluthon. I can’t even understand why you used “and” before the phrase, “his hair masking his face” when its use requires consistency in the structure of the elements it joins.)--. Then a deep, insane chuckle echoed across the area, morphing --(Morphing? Doesn’t that word have something to do with form and structure, and therefore should be perceived by the ocular senses? Your difficulties in word selection, no doubt caused by your reading materials or lack thereof, accompanied by your desire to impress your peers are producing catastrophic results upon your writing.)-- into a laugh. His body unslouched --(Unslouched indeed! Your word processor should’ve disagreed with this. Apparently, you’re so great that you are authorized to invent words! What’s so wrong about using “straightened”?)-- and he held up his hands in the classic “Muhahahaha!” villain stance. Kiki looked at him, wide eyed and then at the jewel in her hands.
“Ok, girl. Hand over the jewel and I’ll kill you quickly.” Inuyasha said with a smirk, ripping the roots that hand grown around his legs from his body.
“No.” Kiki said firmly, standing. Her stance was steady and she felt re-energized and refreshed --(Jut one point that you need to clear up since I don’t watch Inuyasha: does the stone have healing powers? If it doesn’t, your Mary Sue has the astonishing healing powers of Wolverine. Re-energize is another invention of yours, isn’t it? Energize could have done the job, you know.)--. Something told her not to hand over the jewel. The boy, in response, lunged at her. She did a one-handed back-handspring out of the way, clutching the jewel in her right hand and landing in another fighting stance facing towards him. “Care to try that again?”
A series of lunges and dodges followed and Kiki and Inuyasha dodged between trees and brush, making their way steadily out of the forest. Kiki set her hands up as if she were drawing back a bow using only her pointer --(Do you know what an index finger is?)-- and middle fingers for both hands. The image of a bow and arrow flickered in bright pink light, and the arrow flew at Inuyasha as soon as she let go of the imaginary string. It struck him in the shoulder and scorched right through his kimono, causing him to growl in pain. “Wind!” she called quickly, raising the hand containing the jewel into the air. Gusts of leaves and branches swirled around them, blurring Inuyasha’s vision.
“Iron reaper soul stealer!” Inuyasha called, slashing through the twigs and leaves. The wind didn’t let up, and Kiki made her escape off into the direction she thought was the bone eater’s well. She came upon it quickly and searched all four sides for a rock she had placed there many years ago.
A six year old Kiki is dancing through the woods with a younger looking Kaede in close pursuit. “What --(Isn’t this supposed to be “Watch”?)-- out, child!” Kaede called, but it was too late. Kiki had tripped over a root and gone skidding head first into a clearing. She sat up, spitting leaves out of her mouth but stopped dead when she saw a boy no older than 18 pinned to a tree by a lone arrow before her.
“Mother! Mother!” She shrieked, pointing. She stood too quickly for her clumsy feet and fell backwards onto her bottom. Kaede slid down to her and helped her up. “Mother --(Do you realize what you’re saying here? Mother a boy! Your character is ordering someone to give birth to a boy. Hahaha! Why didn’t you put a comma after mother?)-- a boy! We have to help him!”
“No, child. We must leave him be. That is the boy, Inuyasha that I told you about, remember?” Kaede calmly stated, pointing --(at what? “Point” is a transitive verb and takes a direct object.)--. “You must never come here without me, and you must never touch the arrow protruding from his chest. He will not awaken if you do, but just to be on the safe side I would prefer it if you didn’t.”
Kiki nodded and skipped off to the right. “We’re going to the well, aren’t we Mama?” she chorused --(chorused with what or who? If she’s the only one talking to her mother, then there couldn’t have been a chorus.)--, quickly losing interest. Kaede smiled and followed, and they soon came upon it.
“Now, child, pick up that rock and put it on the side facing the village. No- not that side, Kiki. My --(My, you really don’t know how to use commas, do you?)-- you have a terrible sense of direction. Yes, that’s right. Now if you ever get lost and find this well, just follow the side with the rock coming from it.” Kaede shrugged off a pack she was carrying and the younger Kiki skipped over to help her. “Now let’s rid ourselves of these bones.”0
“Sweatdrop --(I’m going to let this one slide because it would be idiotic to explain why it’s wrong.)-- I can’t believe I forgot that…” Kiki murmured to herself as she ran in the direction of the rock. The wind caressed chillingly --(It’s contradictory to describe “caress”, a word which denotes an affectionate or loving touch with “chillingly”, something that indicates discomfort. It just gives off the wrong idea. Try this: The cold wind touched her feet, sending shivers up her spine.)-- at her feet, sending shivers up her spine. “Yes, I shouldn’t have forgotten. I just got so angry…” Kiki continued running towards the village, unsure of what to do. Was it wise to lead that boy back to the village? If the wind was at her feet now, was it still whirl-winding --(I’ll leave it to you to invent another word. Whirlwind is a noun. Don’t force it to become a verb by separating the two words with a hyphen. It’s the same as saying, “Was it still tornadoing itself around him?” It would have been easier to say: “Was the wind still whirling around him?”)-- itself around him? As if to answer her questions, she felt the boy’s presence approaching her from behind and coming on fast. She jumped nimbly out of the way as his claws came slashing down on the air --(air or space?)-- where she had been. --(She jumped out of the way before he could slash at her. What’s wrong with a sentence that’s as clear and simple as that? You try so hard to sound deep and lyrical that you end up using inappropriate words and wrong syntax. You write so much like that cow I encountered in FFN before.)--
“Damn you, girl! Stop jumping around!” Inuyasha growled, slashing at her again. She dodged but tripped over a branch and went flying forward and into the dirt. As Inuyasha’s claws came crashing --(You could do without the word “crashing” but of course you had to be yourself.)-- down at --(Don’t you think “on” would be more appropriate than “at”?)-- her, she rolled out of the way. He managed to cut deeply into her left arm before she was up and running again --(Ambiguity! Try this: “He managed to cut a deep wound on her left arm before she could get up and run.” There are so many ways to juggle the words in your story but you always manage to end up with an awkward sentence structure that sounds unnatural.)--.
“Dammit!” Kiki cursed under her breath, dodging another attack slower than she had been doing before --(How awkward this sentence construction is! Try this: Kiki cursed under her breath when she realized that her movements had slowed down just as Inuyasha made another attempt to attack her.)--. She jumped and skid --(Oh girl, look at your tenses. That should’ve been “skidded” because “jumped” is in the past tense.)-- down a grassy hill, the village in view before her. Upon coming the beginning of a path around the rice fields, Inuyasha jumped in front of her and cornered her against the hillside.
“Finally, you have nowhere to run. Now hand over the jewel.” He demanded, holding up his claws. “And I’ll make your death quick and painless.” Kiki let out a glass-shattering shriek --(Oh really? Did you know that it’s physically impossible for a voice to do that without a device to amplify it? But yeah, sure let’s just pass this off as a hyperbole because of my inveterate clemency in the morning.)--, calling the attention of all the elements around her. The water that the rice soaked in began to crash against the sides of the path and the wind picked up swiftly. Kiki fell to her knees and put up another spiritual arrow stance, pointing it directly at Inuyasha.
“You’ll never get your hands on this jewel.” She snarled --(So she snarled…but why didn’t you use an exclamation point in that sentence?)--. By now she had realized what it was. “Its sacred powers are far to --(Don’t you know how to use “too”?)-- great for that of a halfbreed --(A hyphen is required for such a word.)--.”
It was exactly the right thing to say. Inuyasha’s senses were now dimmed with well-held-back fury --(Why don’t you just use “restrained”?)--. Kiki’s deep purple eyes intensified her glare --(Is there a thermostat for her glare?)--, making her look very much like Kikyo when she had pinned him to the tree. Her arm was bleeding, her face twisted in that of hatred and anger --(her face twisted to an expression of hatred and anger)--, and she had a bow and arrow pointed right at him.
In conclusion, this story is poorly written as proven by the author’s inability to probe beyond the superficial actions of the characters of her story. Her narrative details are bland, redundant and hackneyed. The surfeit of adverbs is also an issue to be discussed but suffice it to say that ignorant amateurs are the ones who almost always fall into this trap. Perhaps it can be said that she has fewer grammatical errors compared to the usual Suethor, but all the same, she still has a lot of them for someone who claims to nitpick her own stories and of course, it takes more than a word processor to be a good writer. Now, I can clearly see the long shadow of her insecurity. If people with her level of writing become popular in the future, crack and smack should be made legal or rationed out by the government to people who still have an understanding of literature. These people wouldn’t be able to deal with the pain caused by the prevalence of her kind when they’re sober.
Remember, Miss Kampasi, you’re the one who dug your own grave by going to my blog to flaunt your mediocrity that you have somehow passed off as talent in writing. I’m not even going to say anything about your action, one that is demeaning only to yourself because you’ve just proven that my flames are good enough to be recycled, while you couldn’t even construct your own, that concerns one of my stories. Maybe next time, you’ll be better equipped to go against an entity such as I, but with your unfounded arrogance, inflexible ignorance and the way you write in general, I doubt it.

I’m sorry to butt in but this is just too tempting.
Miss Kampasi: Wild Oscar, since you do not have your own fic that I can reply on --(Girl, learn how to use conjunctions. It shouldn’t be on; it should be “to”.)-- (Understandable. Really.), I'm going to have to review on my own. I'm not happy about this in the least. This is not a review to me, and I will always lower my review number when telling people how many I have. --(How very prudent of you!)--

Miss Kampasi: Because you attacked my first chapter, the first thing I ever wrote on this site, I wonder if you've actually read any more of this story. =) --(You know what? I actually have and I must say, your sentences are convoluted, their form hardly proper and your syntax needs a lot of help!)--

Miss Kampasi: 'Kaede exclaimed, and looked up from Shippo at her'Wild Oscar: Shouldn't it be 'to' NOT 'at'?I'm sorry. He's shorter. --(What Wild Oscar was pointing out was that if you used “from”, the normal accompanying conjunctive for the next element is “to” not “at”. Are you telling me that the phrase, “from one at another” is correct as long as the other is shorter? That doesn’t make any sense.)--

Miss Kampasi: 'Kiki murmured to herself as she scanned the ground for Black CohoshShe already had quite a bit of Calendula in her basket but needed some other herbs for the woman’s remedy.'Miss Kampasi: Again, my first chapter. I dare you to find something like that in any of the other ones. --(There are actually worse ones.)--

Miss Kampasi: 'She skid to a stop due to hitting a large tree root and dropped the basket with a loud “Oof!”.'Well, skidded sounds stupid, don't you agree? Now who else sounds stupid around here... Probably the person flaming my first chapter! --(No, I don’t agree. You are the one who’s stupid for not knowing how to use proper tenses and relegating grammar in a position that is below what you consider as “coolness”. Oh, you didn’t see that coming? A thousand apologies.)--

Miss Kampasi: 'the wind worriedly flung her hair and cloths' Miss Kampasi: Did you even READ the rest of this story? She has a control over the elements! Jeez, you're a moron. So what if the wind is alive for her? --(Well, it seems as if you’re the real moron here because prior to that description, you have never mentioned that the wind is an animated entity capable of such trite feelings.)--

Miss Kampasi: ‘but turned smug when he saw how much pain you were in.’Miss Kampasi: Yes, Kiki is that close to him. And I'm used to writing stories that make the reader into the character, so excuse my mistake. Again, the only time I've ever made it. --(Whatever you say. You never run out of excuses for yourself. I just think this is contradictory to your claims about nitpicking your own story.)--

Miss Kampasi: ‘and it apparently hasn’t been to long if you’re still here…’No, I do have a problem with 'to' and 'too'. I can't argue with that. I've always had an issue with those and that was a just flame. --(It’s true then! If you’re having trouble with such a simple thing, then that corroborates my theory that you were just bluffing in your comment here.)--

Miss Kampasi:

Miss Kampasi: Well, he could file them or such --(Such? You mean suck. Maybe retract is a better choice, no?)-- them back into his hand. And, again, this was my first chapter. I wanted it to look cool. --(Of course, being cool is a capital virtue for twerps like you.)--

Miss Kampasi: ‘his nose switched as he lifted it to sniff.’

Miss Kampasi: I meant twitched. *sigh* I've been meaning to redo this chapter, but it's just such a pain on this site. I never thought somebody would pick it to pieces. And was it necessary to use swears? Did I insult one of your friends? I only use swears when my friends are involved. --(Apparently, Wild Oscar finds that your writing warrants the use of EXPLETIVES. Not swears. It’s a verb. Maybe curses but NOT SWEARS. By the way, you practically sent me an R.S.V.P. by proclaiming that you can flame my works without being yelled at. I'm not yelling though. There are too many points of grotesquery in your story for such crude actions.)--

Miss Kampasi: Kiki snapped, letting her thoughts drift dreamily.Miss Kampasi: I can give off the idea of being annoyed while still thinking about something else, right? I had no idea there was a law against it. Sorry. ^__^ --(Where is my light pen? Aah…there you are. There’s no law against stupidity and I always thought that that was a tragedy. I tried to illustrate it but it still looked stupid. To snap often denotes the sudden reaction of someone to a stimulus and for her to drift off dreamily at the same time just portrays the questionable states of mind of you and your character.)--

Wild Oscar: Generalization: I Jesus Fucking Christ swear that the way you string your words together would hurt anybody’s ear or make one ashamed FOR you. You know what? I suggest you block me from reviewing you; I’d murder your fic till you accept that you don’t know elementary grammar and that you are a die-hard wannabe who wants to sound poetic. You are the kind who would define a window like this: An orifice in an edifice for the admission of the invisible mixture of atmospheric substance and of radiant energy perceptible to light.

Miss Kampasi: Please tell that to the teachers who put me in high honors English, of which you need to take a test, write and --(an?)-- essay, and have frequently good English grades through grade school. I won't block you from my fic, because you flamed the first chapter. ^__^ Feel free to go to the 39th one and try to insult me. I'll just tear your lies into pieces.

BYLT: Why would someone like me (or probably Wild Oscar who seems audacious and knowledgeable enough, save for a few understandable typos) who invariably gets stellar marks in English (without even really trying, mind you) care if you are in the High Honors English? If you’re this bad, I shudder to think of the extent of idiocy of those who are in the normal level. Are they like…sub-human? Gerbils? Flagellates? Anyway, it’s just rudimentary grammar, usually objective stuff. It won’t help you in constructing clear and concise sentences all the time. And it certainly wouldn’t help you in creative writing if you don’t remember your book reports. The strange thing is that you’re still having problems with grammar. Anyway, if you will really write a novel, you might want to do away with your repetitive descriptions. Read a good book and you’ll realize what I’m talking about. Don’t tell me that “IT’S MY STYLE” because it’s not so much a style as it is a convoluted morass of stale ideas being disguised as a story. By the way, what’s the last book you’ve read besides Harry Potter? You really sound so much like that old cow from the past that used to write Harry Potter fiction.
And you know what? I did go through your 39th chapter. It turns out you’re the one who is doing the lying. It’s still peppered with mistakes. You are so ambitious in your writing that you invent words and figures of speech to sound lyrical and poetic but always fall rather short off the mark. The only thing keeping you together is your false pride and delusions of talent. You will never admit your mistakes even when they’re glaring at you. The indication of a true loser!

Here it is Miss Kampasi’s 39th Chapter:

Against Your Will
“Miroku! Miroku, please wake up!” Sango pleaded quietly to the monk’s limp body. She put a shaky hand to his neck and discovered a weak pulse. The discovery almost pushed her into tears again, but she refused to waste more time crying.
Miroku let out a low groan and his head shifted in her laugh --(Laugh? Or is it lap? How careless!)--. Sango could not mask the joy that exploded --(That must have hurt. You know…the explosion of joy on her face? Was it loud? This sentence also makes hardly any sense. Try this: Sango could not hide the joy she felt upon seeing him move.)-- on her face that he was still moving. She had seen what happens to some people who are hurt badly, put into a never waking sleep --(Or clearer still: She had seen badly hurt people go into never ending sleep.)--. With the joy came an endless river of relief that she had not lost him --(Golly, this is one ugly sentence. Even if I say the following mockery of your creation, it would still be more lyrical: Her relief at the knowledge that he was still alive flowed through her heart like a river with a powerful current.)--. His eyes flickered open, eyelids still heavy as he saw her teary eyes and joyous expression. A gentle smile spread across his own.
“You should watch your back,” he croaked weakly, closing his eyes again, as if it was too much energy --(What?! Too much energy for what? Perhaps you meant: “he croaked weakly and his eyes closed again, as if the deed had consumed too much of his energy.”)--. Sango managed a half-hearted laugh, and almost felt like kissing him.
“Idjit --(Idiot – but I’d consider this as a typo. You can't even spell the name of your own tribe.)--. I would have been fine if it had hit me.” Sango mock-snapped, covering her eyes with a hand to hide tears that she could stop from flowing. Her voice had obvious strain when she spoke again. “I would have been fine, but you could have died.”
Miroku lifted his hand and pulled her’s --(Her’s now, is it? Did you know that “hers” is already in its possessive form so you need not put an apostrophe there?)-- down from her face. He looked surprised at her tears. “You’re crying for me.” Sango gave him a look that said, “Of course I am you idiot!”. Miroku almost laughed, but kept speaking. “Sango, despite what you may believe, I hold nothing against you from before. What happened will never stop me from wanting to protect you.”
“M-miroku…” she managed, tears still flowing heavily. “I l-lo…” she stopped, feeling something on her bottom. With a deep, unfulfilled rage she bopped him on the head. She could not completely disguise a small bit of relief in her voice. “This is hardly the time!”
As Miroku chuckled innocently, Inuyasha was still dodging bolts of lighting from Kiki’s sword. Only now she had stopped aiming at his feet, and his dodges were much more animated. Naraku’s concentration was broken for a moment as he unclenched his hand and looked at the jewel. In pure agitation --(Comma here.)-- his --(Isn’t it supposed to be “he” instead of “his”?)-- discovered that it had begun to purify, and shot a glare at Miroku and Sango. “Damned humans.” He muttered.
“Kiki, stop it!” Inuyasha yelled for about the fiftieth time, again in vain. The girl only tried harder to hit him.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Kill him.
“NO! I don’t want to!” Kiki snarled to the light that surrounded her. Somewhere in her mind she dimly realized that she somewhat preferred it to the usual darkness, but had buried the thought in mountains of rage. (Mountains of rage and hills of laughter! Ha ha ha! Corny!)
Feed this body your fury.
“Let me OUT!” she howled, raising her hands and shooting bolts of electricity everywhere. The bolts scattered, and with a dim realization of what she had just done, she began to get a headache. More infuriated than ever, she gathered a wind under her and shot herself into the air, expertly maneuvering herself through the white mist with an ease she had never had. Long ago, she had tried to do the same thing but had failed miserabley --(Another typo but I won’t insult you on this unless you really think this is the right spelling.)-- and vowed not --(to)-- try again unless she was certain of her powers. While in her mind it seemed she had uncovered many secrets to her power, some which she found surprising. She had created bolts of lightning where she had only created small shocks beforehand. It was somewhat --(You love the word, “somewhat”, don’t you?)-- invigorating.
An image flickered ahead that made her stomach churn. Inuyasha was dodging lightning. Lightning. She desperately wished she could see what was going on. “Inuyasha!” she pleaded to the light. “Don’t hurt him!”
Another image of him dodging --(Do you know how to use a gerund? If you don’t, I’ll just laugh because if you’re in the English Honors Class that you have bragged about, it must be a deplorable program. Or you're just slow.)-- flickered ahead and she roared in irritation. “NO! DON’T HURT HIM!” Her eyes overflowed with tears and she stared at the endless mist, knowing she was getting nowhere.
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The bolts paused for a moment, giving Inuyasha a moment to catch his breath. Kiki raised a sword to use her hand and rub her forehead --(What horrible syntax! Look at how easy it is: Kiki raised a hand that was holding a sword to rub at her forehead.)--. An emotion of annoyance and a slight, aching pain broke through her barrier and scattered on her face --(What barrier? This sentence is so difficult to understand and I’m sure I have no problems about comprehension. Is my supposition correct? Something broke through her barrier that caused her pain and annoyance started to show on her face.)--. Suddenly she was back to normal and let her sword drop back into position.
Inuyasha stared in surprise. Had she just acted like she was getting a headache? At this sudden breakthrough --(comma)-- he jumped to reach her. “Kiki, you don’t want to do this!” She stared at him and then tears welled up in an unmoving face. They --(Hey, you forgot your linking verb!)-- rolling down her cheeks and she blinked them away, rearranging her swords so that one hand grasped both, and touching her wet face --(What’s touching her wet face? Her other hand OR the one holding both swords? Is this correct? “Tears were rolling down her face and she tried to blink them away. Placing both swords into one hand, she touched her face with the free one.)--. Like the drone she was, she was then inclined to stare at her wet hand blankly. --(Try this: "…she was then compelled to examine her wet hand." Blankly just overstates her being a drone.)--
“She has... control?” Naraku found himself muttering in disbelief. He shot a look at Inuyasha, who had obviously heard --(what he said. You have problems using transitive verbs, don’t you?)--. His eyes were wide with excitement.
“Kiki, you have control! You can shut him out! You don’t want to attack me!” Inuyasha shouted, saying anything encouraging that popped into his head.
“She does! Kill him!” Naraku snarled in objection.
“No…” Kiki breathed, so quiet that even Inuyasha hadn’t heard her.
“Kiki, push him away! It’s your body!” Inuyasha firmly continued. “You can stop doing this!”
“She listens only to me!” Naraku insisted, holding out the hand with the sacred jewel, clenching it so hard his knuckles were white. He pointed the hand at Kiki. “Kill him!”
Her body pulsed at this command and her eyelids drooped slightly. Then she was at full attention, shifting her swords back so that each hand held one. She then closed her eyes to collect herself and opened them slowly after a moment. Eyes that had once been violet were now so dark (Place "that" or a comma here.) they were almost black. She crossed her swords in front of her and then flew straight at Inuyasha. He met sword with claw and tried to push her back, his face twisting in disappointment and anger.
“Kiki! You have control!” her growled to her directly. ("...growled at her" would be enough.) “You have control!” (This sounds like caveman English.)
Her eyes slitted --(There you go again. Inventing words. In front of my friends. “Narrowed” would do.)-- slightly, and as she pushed him back with all her might she hissed a greatly discouraging thing straight to him (Again: "...she hissed something that was strangely discouraging at him while looking at him in the eye."), staring directly into his eyes.
Perish!”

Please be advised that next time, flame me only if you are in a position to do so. That is, if you’ve become better at grammar and composition. You have thousands of light years to go. Oh yeah, I noticed to that you are inconsistent with the words following the dialogue of a character. Sometimes, you end said dialogue with a comma and start the word (i.e. he said) with a small letter and then the next, you end the dialogue with a period and start the next word with a capital. Make up your mind! (If you have one.) And did you know that you can make dialogues without saying again and again who spoke.

Have a nice day!

PS I felt so sorry for you when I found out that on the day you were born, your god decided to scrimp on brains and talent but was overly generous with arrogance.