drunk ladies and manners

Drunk lady has kindly made the following review for yours truly:
A fanfic dedicated to me? Nah… I’m certainly NOT honored nor happy about your fic. You know why? Because this is just a piece of TRASH. Why don’t you try printing your fics and wipe it on your sorry ass.
One more thing, I made a mistake by saying that you are perfect, coz the truth is, you just flatter yourself by thinking that you are perfect, yet, you’re just a bragging crazy know-it-all BITCH.
And don’t you ever flame on Randy’s Obsession’s works. Your talent in writing is absolutely NOTHING compared to hers. And your fanfic? It will look like shit when put side by side with Randy’s Obsession’s worst work. DUH.
And don’t make a fool out of yourself that you are a good writer. Actually, you’re the worst I’ve seen. I mean, what’s the point of writing Mary Sue fics? Did it change anything? No. There are still thousands of OC writers here in and you can’t do anything to control them. You’re just wasting your time and by that, I can say that you are STUPID.
I tried to be nice to you but you wasted everything. You don’t deserve my first letter. You deserve a series of FUCKs, SHITs, ASSHOLEs, BUMs and AIRHEAD’s. And don’t ever think of replying to my review coz I can’t bear another letter from a hopeless freak like you.

P.S.
You know what, you’re just using your excellent vocabulary to put some spunk on your story. The reality is that, your stories are hollow. And they suck.

End of message

> notice how angry the sender is that she didn't notice how utterly presumptuous she's being. she presumes that i haven't written anything besides the stuff in FFN. i haven't posted more of my decent stuff yet because i'm too busy flaming the incorrigible (you) and the insufferable (you and the rest of the angry mob). also, it's really funny how ill-bred people resort to such language when genuinely insulted. pain sometimes make people do very unwise things. anyhow, it's boring how people challenge me to write and then deny my greatness, be it my excellent vocabulary or my plain mockery of the truth. i don't think i deserved your mail at all. no one needs to be subjected through horrific means of communication. i am appalled. don't try too hard to come up with such witty remarks. you fail miserably with the effort. and it pains me to be reminded of your existence.
who asked you to be nice to me anyway? i certainly didn't beg for it.
for your benefit, i kindly ask you to refrain from saying things like 'DUH' because it's a daft American expression. while ashton kutcher may have snagged the luscious Demi Moore, i'm sure his being DUH doesn't help him win over arguments.
i don't see how a series of expletives could possibly affect me. i tell the teapot the same thing everyday and it doesn't crack. while there may still be legions of undying OC writers and lovers out there, i could hardly say i'm being stupid by flaming them because i am obviously affecting you so much that you came up with a comeback as lame as Barney, the purple dinosaur. it's a sound and well invested effort to show you the truth.
how sure are you that you are not being partial when you told me that i'm the worst writer you've ever seen? don't you think it's amazing how amusing i think your repartees are? i don't get insulted or hurt because i know the extent of my capabilities. i don't have to prove it because i know very well where i stand. it just so happens too that i also know where you and your kind stand.
as a side note, there's nothing wrong with being a know-it-all as long as one has what it takes. i do but you don't have to believe me because you are suffering from a very deep pain in your heart borne of insecurity and i don't know what else, your parents ignoring you. you can't stand to be corrected. writers shouldn't have this kind of weakness if they are going to be writers at all. why do you think there are critics and editors?

on a less intelligible note by aLexIa_69 (rayuu77@hellokitty.com):
::U SAID YER SUCH A GOOD WRITER..YET YER ONLY "COMPARING" YERSELF TO THESE AMATEURS HERE IN FFN...HOW PATHETIC... & TO THINK THAT MOST "AUTHORS" HERE ARE MERELY KIDDOS WHO R JUS TRYIN TO KILL THE TIME...WHY NOT FLAME OR BETA-READ THE WORKS OF ROBERT LUDLUM, OR STEPHEN KING, OR ANNE RICE, GAYLE LINDS, & OTHER MASTERS OF THE BEST-SELLING NOVELS AROUND D'GLOBE... NOW, THAT SHOULD REALLY BE A *REAL* CHALLENGE, AYT?::

End of message
you know what? i actually see mistakes from the books of stephen king, michael crichton, neil gaiman, clive barker (especially in Coldheart Canyon where I actually had to mark my book) and anne rice. it's not their fault but their editors'. shame, isn't it? it's just too much effort to write them to tell the publishers to republish their books. being a kid doesn't have anything to do with it. i was a kid once and i couldn't remember writing stuff so abysmally. they shouldn't be killing time. they should be killing themselves.
you have hurt me by your unhealthful use of ellipses. disgusting really.

hum, dee, doo, dum, dumb...

julie-tearjerky, you are apparently unable to process the words that your mind reads. it's not dyslexia although it would be fortunate if it were but from what i gather, it is dementia.
I said: and you're a FILIPINO? shame on you. i've read some fics written by filipinos and a lot of them are good, say Aki Midori, Mifune, Kaara, Night Strider, Foul Fountain of Flies,Castor and Pollux, Kmyth, mrs. rusalki, makasarili, autoxicity, Delusional Lady, Megane-chan, Kaekasu, Archangel Barton, armie santos,goldenflame,mistress KC, dementedchris, wowie, and Cymone.

i am actually holding them to a higher standard because there are several good ones in there. unlike Randy's Possession who seems to be one of the few bad eggs in the prized basket. are you a filipino too? were you upset that you weren't in that list?
and another thing, i'm not the one who misspelled FILIPINOS. it doesn't matter if i'm canadian or danish or russian or kenyan. my flames still hold true. you said that you won't stoop down to my level. i would be hurt if you're the one doing the stooping because i am the one with a proper grasp of the language i'm using. naturally, i'm not hurt because...do you really want me to show you the naked truth? you are butchering the English language. preparatory and crooked is what it is. but you know, i could forget the wrong grammar and awful syntax because most people i know do not have english as their first language. what irks me most (which also leads me to attack the previous flaws because without either of these two, the resulting concoction is a migraine of a gargantuan scale such as your stories) are the deplorable content and dispersed ideas. you're ripping off stuff from writers of your '?exulted?' level. could you spell self-respect? you said you're not mad because of what i told you? then why expend the effort of getting back at me when you can so easily flush the fact of my grim existence down the toilet by just ignoring li'l ol' me? you people are so good at contradicting yourselves. how many times do i have to tell you that that weakens your arguments? see, you made me become redundant!
i have to give props to Celstial_lady...some people are really scared to be corrected. if i were nicer, i'd be beta reading needy people but things being as they are, i only got frustrated. there's a plethora of awful fanfics out there and most of them are beyond repair or dare i say it? salvation. i'll be biting dust long before these people realize that what they're doing is just horrible. desperate times call for desperate measures. one of the sad things that i've learned is that these people are also encouraging each other to write more in a disgusting display of mutual animalistic behavior. like remoras and sharks, no less! only stinkier if there's such a word.
Celestial_Lady, when not in a hurry, i am actually a living, breathing and walking word processor and thesaurus gadget. for all you know, i could be a virus from the year 3000 A.D. if i weren't such a sociopath, i'd like to meet your colleague. anal people are hard to find. one meeting another is nothing short of a miracle.
As for the fic 'For What It Takes.' it really is bad. it is bad on purpose and i'm not fishing for compliments because i wanted to show your reflections in the mirror. although, i must admit, i outdid myself in the randomness of the characters who wrote letters for Maria.
say, some people keep accusing me that i flamed others in order to get reviews. it was a spontaneous thing although i really don't think you'd comprehend that. but even if the opposite were the case, can you tell me truthfully that putting your names on the reviews is not a way of pimping your stories to others? and then you give nice reviews so these people would also feel obligated to give you nice reviews. what hypocrites!
there is another Maria fic in the making but this one's not as deliberately bad as the previous one. tschuss! watch out for that.

A hearty feast

Denial, denial...you stopped reading because either you're already hurt by the first few paragraphs or scared that things would get more hurtful later on. Are you scared that you might be enlightened or corrected through a demeaning letter from someone so obnoxious and with obviously more talent than you have (with what little you have, it doesn't say much about me)? Boredom is another thing, don't desecrate it. I was bored by reading Anna Karenina and the Existentialist ethic but I had to finish them because I know I will learn a lot from them. Also if I am SO predictable, how come this one didn't show up in your list of prophecies? It would be great if you already know what I'm trying to do because you would be aiding me in my job. You know, taking out the proverbial banana peels.
If you wanted to write a formal letter, it would be as easy as one, two, three: use a Word Processor.
I'm not trying to take away your right to write/freedom of speech and all that (though it would be wonderful I could). I'm just exercising my right to tell you not to write.
I'm sorry to tell you this but by rights, I am a good writer if I were to consider myself as one (or at least better than you who can only attack a little work from me with ambiguous words like meaningless shit, boring and crappy). Sheer modesty prevents that however. I enjoy being neurotic and reading literature both of old and new. Another thing is that if I'm writing, it's never a waste of my time. Didn't you know that devoted writers write not because of the money, the fame or even for the sake of writing itself? Writers write because they need to write and they have to release the surfeit of creative energy within them. You apparently don't get that seeing as how mediocre your story is to merit a wonderful review from me. Which reminds me, which story is it again? Your e-mail doesn't tell me your pen name. Are you scared that I might throw in very creative flames again?
How presumptuous you are! You're so sure that I make predictable plots and you haven't even finished reading my flame? And even if you did finish it, it's not a form of writing that warrants a plot. Tsk, tsk. So desperate, so desperate indeed to get back at ol' evil me. If you're going to do that, strengthen your arguments. Contradicting yourself just proves how big of a whitewash you really are.
You can't hurt me this way and it kind of disappoints me because it means I've overestimated you.
When you said the following statement, were you talking about yourself?

'There, so you have already proven what a fantastic writer you are by boring the minds out of readers, then posting up your boring crap online '

A common case of the pot calling the kettle black, innit? I'm no kettle but you make an excellent pot. I'm just disappointed that I, the little bitch with ITS love for screwing other people (I had to laugh when you said this because people only resort to that type of petty language when they're backed up against the wall), am not doing my job correctly. My flame wasn't boring enough to make you die. *sigh* Why did you have to make fun of my being able to manage a blog? Is that chic or intelligent nowadays? Maybe I'm mistaken in thinking that there's nothing to managing a blog.

I like how you put quotes of wisdom at the bottom. How about this?
'To the ignorant even the words of the wise seem foolishness.' -Euripides, now that's an excerpt!

Guess what. I KNEW YOU WERE GONNA DENY THAT YOU WOULD BE SO HURT YOU'D SAY THAT YOU DELIBERATELY WROTE A CRAPPY AND INFORMAL LETTER, YOU KNOW WHAT? I MIGHT AS WELL RUN OVER 800 CONSECUTIVE CYCLISTS ON THE ROAD AND SHOUT 'OH! I'M SO SORRY, IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, I DIDN'T MEAN TO!

her gracious weak-minded reply

I knew you were going to pull off something like that because people like you are so predictable. Which was why I didn't bother to write the letter formally. Put in correct tenses or punctuations. Because if I wanted to write a formal letter, I wouldn't waste my time correcting it for you. I let you waste your time writing me a beautiful essay on how not to write a terrible piece of crap. Which by the way, you just wrote. Meaningless shit which I got bored reading from the first paragraph because I already know what you were gonna do. There, so you have already proven what a fantastic writer you are by boring the minds out of readers, then posting up your boring crap online (just to prove you know how to run a blog site whoohoo good for you!) and then letting people die of boredom from reading it as I almost did (so luckily I didn't read the whole thing), because we all know the plot. This little bitch and its love for screwing others, it doesn't get any easier than that. So then, because you write stuff that everybody knows the lousy plot of, you should just review your own work. Since you know that you're a reviewer of crappy works... and now, have discovered that you are also a writer of crappy works. Works well for you doesn't it? Itslikekillingtwobirdswithonestone.

"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving any evidence of the fact."

George Elliot

Here comes our first customer!

LETTER OF THE WEEK (with corrections and comments written in bold letters enclosed in parenthesis)

sent through email by: i'll not say cos it'll embarrass him/her.

Couple of things you must know and apparently, you must.

1. Ever read the book 'How to write an acrimonious review'? No, I bet you didn't(NOTE: should be ‘haven’t’). It was never written. Never will be, you know why? Because it would be dumb. But (insert the word ‘that’s’ here)something that you would probably do, obviously. You have enough of those reviews to make you a book, best seller in the catergory 'Asininity Awards'. Something like Darwin Awards, only much more ludicrous.

2. If you think writing up fics is a real waste of time, think of it this way.

-I've written a fic. Improved my ever so disgusting vocabulary. Increases (should be increased)my imagination span(remove this unnecessary word). I'll be able to then grow up maturely to take in 'CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISM'(should be CRITICISM), please note that I will be saying this in a very DUH way. There is much difference between contructive (should be ‘constructive’)and destructive. Kinda like plate boundaries. But then again, you must already know this since you're on your way to writing(write would be the more suitable word) your second book in the series of best sellers in 'Asininity Awards'. Title? Don't know, don't really give a shit. But there you go. Then I get to meet people like you on the net.

-But you on the other hand, my darling reviewer who has so far written 2 best sellers. (Unforgivably erroneous punctuations blunt my understanding) whom everyone by the way. (forgive his punctuations, he’s still amateur) has acquiesced (could’ve simply said ‘agreed’)after cogitating for heaven knows how long (yes, you ask why I say cogitate? Because we are nice people unlike some unmentionables... our earnestness to help you solve your little problem) (you think being a sociopath is a small problem?) that you are but a lonely soul (just to put things kindly) who has obviously nothing better to do. Unable to write long excerpts maybe..(writing excerpts would be plagiarism because it is defined as ‘extracts from published materials’) or just in envy. Its (this should be considered as the indicative ‘it’s’ and not the possessive its) hard to say because you do not mention why so its (again the same mistake) best to guess in situations like these. But you contain so much anger in you, so much spite that you desire attention from us writers. (what’s the point of this sentence anyway? Wow, you’re so set on defining yourself as a writer. Not to be rude or derogatory, I don’t consider myself as a writer but I do make better flames than you make stories or letters. Whatcha make of that?) So here. I've give(‘given’ not ‘give) you your attention (hey, it’s my attention. I don’t need anyone to give it to me.). Do you need anything else? Have I wasted enough of your time?

Want to review this review on your reviews? I bet you do. Then I'll bet you are considering emailing me back to tell me on my overuse(overused would suit it more aptly, everybody supposes) and dissonant pieces of vocabulary here and there. Then you'll tell me that 'Oh you actually bothered to write this email to me?'(Nah, I didn’t say this. I just smiled and felt amused.). But after saying this, you'll probably then (Redundancy! You don’t need ‘then’ when the word ‘after’ is already there)think, 'why should I reply, he/she's probably expecting one. Let's give it a little element of surprise by not replying.' but afer (after, rather) reading this, you'll think to yourself. 'WHAT DO I DO?'

3.email or not (insert correct punctuation here) it doesn't matter. Just do us a little favor. Pretend you have a brain darling or not possible (i understand that for someone like you, it serves to be quite difficult) then please kindly remove yourself from our polluted gene pool.(confusion of verbs, kindly rephrase)

'Brother, remove the plank from your eye before you tell me to remove the splinter in mine.'

(In simpler terms; if you’re gonna call anyone crappy, make sure you are not first!)

+++

MY REPLY

1. You wrote; 'Couple of things you must know and apparently, you must'

My answer; You could've just said,' things you must know', because APPARENTLY, what you wrote is not merely a couple of things. And since you have already stated that I must know it, you need NOT expand that APPARENTLY I should know it, this is what one may call overemphasis. (apparent means evident, apparently. you might suspect that I must have looked it up in the dictionary, surprise! I did)

Aboot (I'm Canadian, so instead of aboot, i pronounce it as aboot. Is that ok with you? I know writing is different from speaking actually but i'm more comfortable this way. pardon me in that case.)...aboot this nonexistent book, you want me to write it? i'd gladly do that especially for precious you, but whatever made you think that i will write such. More than likely, you are trying to imply that i'm DUMB which is undeniably a fact. But at least i know how to use the words 'apparent' and 'a couple', unlike you. So that just puts me one notch above your mental capability. Nope, i haven't enough reviews to make a book out of them because as you've noticed, my reviews are more or less occupying only 3 pages and obviously a book can cover a hundred or so leaves. So that just gives me a conclusion that you haven't read or even seen a book. And I'd be much obliged to receive this certain asininity award you're talking aboot. And since you've foreseen that it's gonna be a bestseller then, am i right in thinking that a lot out there are much dumber than i am for buying it. I also like the fact that's it ludicrous; kinda adds to the comic factor, and as you know i love entertaining people.

2. Learn how to use commas. I congratulate you that you improved your ever so disgusting vocabulary because trust me, it's rather abysmal. Uhmmm, speaking of CONSTRUCTIVE CRITISM, i haven't heard of it. But i have indeed heard of CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM, EVEN MORE SO THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN DESTRUCTIVE AND CONSTRUCTIVE (NOT CONTRUCTIVE AS YOU TYPED THERE) and i'd like to tell you that since I am an oversized nincompoop in a pair of pyjamas, i didn't get the point of asking aboot constructive and destructive, and this plate boundaries you talked aboot because you failed to stress the details(or the gist) that would give a rational statement why you had to lecture me aboot all that. To begin with, my review is a FLAME. what i don't understand is that you have to confuse between constructive and destructive when plainly a flame is DESTRUCTIVE in all angles. I reviewed your work because it needs telling and repair. And i'm not yet on my way to writing my second book because i HAVEN’T written my first, so what are the possibilities that it IS already a bestseller when it does NOT exist. D’you know your numericals? Never mind. But then you wrote; '....who has written 2 bestsellers.' Again i don't want to stress the point, but may i tell you something? There's a lesson in high school that tackles on organization of ideas, yours are scattered all over this page that i can't quite grasp the various sentiments because in the preceding paragraph you said that i was still on my way to writing it then suddenly, on the next you stated that i've already written it. so are you trying to imply that between reading those two paragraphs i was able to write a book, i mean two books? not to mention publish it and in not more than five minutes, became bestsellers? i have a feeling that you DON’T even know your time table. anyhow, just because you people cogitate, DOESN'T mean you're nice people because it simply means to ponder or to think. Hitler, Stalin, Kamenev, Zinoviev, Kaganovich, Molotov and every other mass murdering bastard did 'cogitate' before subjecting their victims to death. The point? so they must be nice people. Thank you for trying to help me from the malignant chronic illness of my cerebrum that's been poisoning me and my LONELY soul who has obviously nothing good to do. I can't quite imagine a soul doing anything because it just harbors inside my body and nothing more. and so does yours and everybody else's. I'm not catholic so don't talk me out of souls and spirits. Yes, i contain so much anger in me because when i was 5 years old, i raped our neighbor's donkey and was imprisoned in a remote camp in kayafardo, brazil where wardens rape you back 568990 times a minute for bestiality. That didn't end there, after my term which lasted 3 years, i committed another heinous crime by blowing up lyndon johnson's brain with a .45 calibur and whipping his 7 bodyguards to death via use of a chopsticks dipped in uranium. i was only 8 and hunted by the highest ranking investigation officers in canada. even the KGB wanted my extradition from my own country because i was a secret Nazi agent from germany who stole the russian archives that revealed trotsky's proceedings. right now i'm again imprisoned, this time in vulagulo islands prison camp where you eat rotten banana a week and no water (you drink your own urine here) i pleaded guilty for molesting 3975 baby pigs in california state. so i guess life is so unkind to me.

you wrote something aboot me being envious, being envious of, say, writers who don't know their own vocabulary, time table and arrangement of ideas. i'm not really sure maybe i am because you have your free life and all, while i'm confined in a hell's pit. but one thing's certain, i'd rather rot here than use the words COGITATE and ASININITY and BESTSELLER and DESTRUCTIVE and CONSTRUCTIVE without even looking it up in the dictionary and to be the butt of jokes. And i don't even want to talk aboot redundancy, and your so called dissonance and overuse (YOU SHOULD HAVE ENTAILED THE WORD OVERUSE WITH A D; SEE YOUR LETTER FOR POST EDITING). I suggest you ask a linguist to try to fathom your heavily dispersed ideas. Please explain the phrase, enlighten me if you will: 'it's hard to say because you do not mention why so its best to guess in situations like these.' i have an inkling that you assume too much, but hey you're right that i'm a pathetic piece of stinking crap cos i'm holing up in this hole in a cruel prison. Yes, i do want your attention because i don't get any from my parents who are away in MARS right now riding in cassandra 43, columbia's latest shuttle. My siblings, however, were annihilated by the holocaust in the 1940's, so they're all 6 feet under and all of my other relatives were impaled by Vlad Tepes Dracula, the great impaler and leader of revolutionary uses for lard in the 17th century. and yeah, i don't get any attention so i'm telling the world the crimes i've committed so i'll grace the cover of new york times. Yet, they are still to uncover my most grisly crime; FLAMING. Be there when i launch the book because i need attention. I want attention from you because you tell me what to do and you enlighten me with your og mandino/ paulo coelho/ mitch albom, heart warming, psychological, how-to-be-confident, don't-be-down, here's-what-to-do-when-you're-screwed lessons. so i need your attention badly to be noticed because nobody pays me heed and people are not even affected by me because i'm not worth your ass...shit, i'm being repetitive like you. Ain't i? i wonder if poor grammar and sentence construction are contagious. what are you? an imbecile or a resident of any, say, secluded country (though i suppose you're both)? but if i learn that you're an american or a briton or an aussie, i'll be bloody numbed, shiela.

you want an element of surprise? or just a surprise? here it is, your brilliantly composed letter on my profile. like it? nah, bet you love that.

your letter is so delicately magnificent and is very rich in intricate artistry that others may not appreciate it. so to enlighten them i'm gonna give you examples of the kind of brilliance this piece emits. Imagine the subtle splendor of a 400 pound guy with a mustache wearing Cowboy Bebop's Faye Valentine's outfit and the complex artistry in a driftwood with Winnie the Pooh's underwear carved on it.

penultimatum; pretend that i have a brain. There are two arguments involved here, one is; since you're presuming that i don't have a brain, it would be so inconsiderate of you to order me to pretend that i should have a brain. to begin with, a person will not be able to follow any ordain if he/she doesn't have brains. so what you're asking me is not just impossible but improbable. why? because there's nothing to order in the first place for there is an absence of rationale to be obtained from the nonexistent brain that you want me to have. note that a human is a mere exterior without the mind, since the heart is fictional. Secondly; the alternative is you assume that i have a brain given the fact that you're commanding me to pretend. That would only mean that you're wasting your energy in telling me what to do, that is, to have a brain, since you already know that i do have one. otherwise you don't have the required common sense to recognize any piece of subsistent information that's so prevalent in this world. Don't you know your elementary anatomy? Each human is provided with a brain lest he's an amoeba or protist which is composed of a single cell only. Or maybe you are one, i don't know. finally, how can i biologically remove my self in the human gene pool? because why? i'm in the superior area and i'd gladly do that if you give yourself a reality check on your classification. christ knows if you're included among those that are swarming with cow droppings in them, you know, the proverbial banana peel. And oh by the way, since you said that maybe i can't write anything, please read my upcoming fic which i will upload in no time. and feel free to leave heartening, inspiring, reviews. and email me next time aboot it and make a constructive criticism that defines the gap between constructive and destructive. Thank you for understanding my pathetic, unnecessary, god forsaken existence.

note: my faculties are so limited that I couldn’t capitalize letters when necessary.