Danielle Salazar Malfoy's message that made my day:
u can't "pawn" a house, n is "friendless" a word?
the "peerless beauty" is kinda overboard, but it's ur fic...
but i sure wished i never read it...
i seldom flame but i'll make an exception for u...
GET A LIFE. GET A MIRROR. U MIGHT TAKE A LOOK THAT THAT QUAGMIRE U CALL A FACE N FAINT FROM SHOCK N DISGUST.
i looked at ur profile n nearly sprayed my moniter with coke. pot calling the kettle black... well at least it was entertaining. i suggest u put this fic under the humour category.
--End of message
Moniter? I forgot to add that. Damn. I realized that I have neglected some sentences that need correction like her use of the word 'of' in place of 'off.' Ah, well, next time. This imp of a girl decided to initiate a game of nitpicking and she's dumb enough to pick someone as, erm, how do I describe myself? Scoundrelly? Ahaha!
My Answer:
Well, well, look who's trying to insult me now. Someone who thinks that Harry Potter is a very challenging read. So you claim that 'friendless' is not a word, let's see, try to type that in a Word Processor and wait for the red line to appear beneath the word and please make sure that your language setting is not in German. Wait till your computer shuts down. I think I know what you're gonna say to that; 'get a life' or 'the word processor is not very reliable'. If you want another proof, turn to the F section of your dictionary. What fascinates me is that I've never touched your fic and you would throw in something like 'GET A LIFE. GET A MIRROR. U MIGHT TAKE A LOOK THAT THAT QUAGMIRE U CALL A FACE N FAINT FROM SHOCK N DISGUST'. You are so desperate to insult me. That's lame and weak. Just because you don't believe that a house can't be pawned and that the word 'friendless' does not exist, you'd tell me that? Oh brother. About the 'peerless beauty', Cervantes himself had used the phrase, I bet you didn't know that. If you disagree, feel free to mock the best Spanish writer of all time. Also, quagmire is more or less a fucked up predicament so your claim that my face is a predicament is just wrong. You should’ve said that my having this face is the predicament. Understand? If you don’t, bring a shotgun to your school and kill your English professor because he/she is certainly inept or you could just chalk it up to the fact that Rayearthann is a favorite author of yours. Another term is imbroglio, or you can say quandary too. I didn’t even look that up in the dictionary; I guess you don’t get to learn these words in mediocre writing style of JK Rowling in Harry Potter.
let me teach you a lesson that you missed in school,
“Harry! No, not Harry!” She uttered vehemently, emphatic. (emphasizing what? emphatic, emphatic, emphatic? what's so emphatic? the period?)
The overwhelming pain overcame him and he collapsed onto the floor, unable to neither lift his wand nor take his eyes of (off) the miraculous scene in front of him. (Note the use of double negatives, unable and neither.)
The boy was still enveloped in the brilliant light, but it was now emerald. (Emeralds are green so why do you have to use the conjunction 'but' that denotes contradiction between the two statements or clauses?)
The Dark Lord stared riveted, unable to tear his gaze from the hypnotic pull of the boy’s intense gaze. (are you with a thesaurus while writing this? Or are you just THAT addicted to adjectives which are somewhat useless in the story's progress? Look, 'hypnotic' implies that it's magnetic so you're being redundant by using pull. You are the most tautological writer I've ever come across and that says a lot. Do you know Cloudy-Skies 86?)
The boy glared at him, his fury boiling, causing the outer ring of his iris to turn a dark green, so dark it was nearly black. (after the first him, use semicolon. This is forced levity. You're trying too hard to describe what is utterly useless. I learned in my extensive writing subject that puny details should be left out to give way to the development of the story. This would get a Z if you have a nice professor. Okay, you try to sound intelligent and yet you could not avoid using such cheesy descriptions like the one after this sentence.)
He gently took the baby from the woman’s arms and lovingly kissed the baby boy’s forehead. Despite the brewing storm outside, the baby was surprisingly calm, bright emerald eyes gazed at the man. Reluctantly, the man handed the baby back to the woman. (I have a feeling that you dread using pronouns, instead of referring to the character as 'she' once in a while, you still resort to repeating 'woman woman woman...' and don't talk me out on the baby part. I bet you haven't read the original version or any version of the Iliad. Homer is so gonna kill you.)
“I will...I love you too...”she replied and with that, started running towards the master bedroom, where she had hidden the emergency portkey to the Headmaster’s office." (It's not 'with that' it's 'at that')
Suddenly, a loud rumble of thunder caused her to look out the window.Ominous dark clouds rolled from the West, the rumbling of thunder escalating. A fork of lightning flashing (Is the word 'flashing' really necessary?) caused Lily to cringe in abject terror as it illuminated a silhouette in the darkness. ('abject' is way out of the noun being described. Tell me, when can you say that 'terror' is at its worst? And illuminated a silhouette? Isn't a silhouette a shadow, dumby? If it's illuminated then it's no longer a silhouette) Lily stood rooted to the ground in torpor (Wow, how deep), clutching Harry to her as the shadow loomed closer. Her fear exacerbated (worsened, that's the word. Are you a masochist who inflicts on her readers the torment of checking the dictionary every after word? Or influencing them to use them in a wrong context like you do?)as she se stared timorously at the growing darkness, fighting the visceral need to run. (You are STRIVING to be poetic. This paragraph meant very simply enough. It means that the lightning rolled and along with it was a shadow who stalked towards Lily. Do you really think that highfalutin words like these could make it a form of art? Do you know what art is? It's a way of expressing what one wants to say and using words such as these is definitely not a part of it. You try too hard to impress your readers by using extremely alien words that are not even helpful in the story's flow. Visceral is not the word for it, why don't you take a second look at the dictionary?)
She was startled out of her ephemeral reverie by the sound of the doors crashing open. (ephemeral reverie? Where did that come from? It's either you don't know the meaning of ephemeral or you haven't heard of reverie. Don't tell me that Lily had been musing on day's end without letup. Check the dictionary again.)
She fell back on her survival instincts and fled. (fell back on her survival instincts? You could've just said that the need to survive seized her. Read: trying hard to sound like a great writer)
“Crucio!”
She vacillated. (Look, just because you already used 'writhed' which is more commonly used, you decided to again consult the dictionary for synonyms. Do you honestly think that 'vacillate' is a word that most Potter fans could relate to, let alone HP movie fans?)
“No! No! James!”
“Go...hurry...” the man moaned, writhing on the floor.
His attacker turned and glared at the woman, shifting his gaze to the baby. (Why not try this simpler and yet clearer statement; 'He turned, looked at the woman, until finally gazing at the baby)
“No! I won’t let you take him! Never!” she cried fiercely, shielding the baby. “Your intransigence astounds me.” He grinned, like a feral hunter eyeing his prey. “Get out of my
way, mudblood!” yelled the Dark Lord, “Avada Kedavra!” (I'm now starting to foster a feeling that your favorite book is the dictionary. Why not simply make use of the simpler term for 'intransigence' which is stubborness? Even obstinacy is fine. Feral is...I'll take a look at the dictionary next time, but then again I remember that it pertains to beastly nature and this hackneyed word prevalent in fanficdom is starting to make me sick. Why not say savage or snake-like eyes instead,? Cos it's more particular than saying feral; I believe Voldemort is more of a reptile than a mammal anyway. Your formatting sucks. You don't care about your readers even if they get confused with the characters' dialogue. I seriously hope it's FFN's faulty formatting that caused this.)
The woman immediately crumpled onto the floor, encompassed in an eerie green light, the baby still clutched to her chest protectively. (Eerie, huh? What's so eerie about the light of avada kedavra? Encompassed is not a hard word for me but since your target is potter readers I'm rather doubtful that they would understand it right away.
Another point; the last sentence rather implies that Harry is the one who protects his mom from the curse; think on that one. Are you telling me that Harry is as smart as Jimmy Neutron to react so sentimentally at the age of one. Hello?)
The Dark Lord advanced towards the baby, raising his wand menacingly, blood-shot eyes glittering in odium. The baby seemed to take in his surroundings for a moment, and tears welled up in his eyes at his mother’s unmoving form. (Wow, what in the bleeding hell is odium? The dictionary says that it is arrant detestation plus condemnation as a result of something blameworthy. Now what could've the baby done to the greatest dark wizard of all time? Why had he been so incriminated in the eye of Voldemort when no trespass has been made? It's all about the fucking prediction alright.)
“Mummy!” his piteous cry was answered by a long reticence. (Reticence? This word implies coolness. My point: so Lily was coolly enduring Avada Kedavra. You're only using these words to make your readers feel stupid due to their very limited vocabulary as compared to your infinitely knowledgeable source who happens to be Mr. Thesaurus. Look, there are differences between the synonyms of a certain word and not all of them can be appropriately used in a sentence. In other words, they are not as interchangeable as the letter Y and the letter Y, or the words yes and yeah.)
“The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches...born to those who thrice defied him...born as the seventh month dies...” he recited, frowning at the lack of information.
“What power?” he scoffed.The baby slowly squirmed out of his dead mother’s shield, tottering, his chubby cheeks wet with tears. (Squirmed and tottered. What an active little boy; I want to kiss him but I ain't a pedophile. You already have an action word in the first phrase so by using 'tottering' right after the said sentence, you have made an error in syntax.)
“Avada Kedavra!” A beam of bright green (beam is understandably bright, again you committed the fallacy of being repetitive) light shot towards the baby, straight towards his forehead. However, the green light started to dim rapidly upon contact with the baby’s forehead. The light split the skin on the baby’s forehead, leaving a gash the shape of a lightning bolt and then it seemed to dissolve into the gash. (Why not put it this way: The green light dimmed and split the boy's skin to leave a lightning shaped scar on his forehead. Easy does it.)
Suddenly, the Dark Lord felt a strong pull and he looked back at the baby. The baby was enveloped in a blinding white light, his emerald eyes glowing and the green light still continued flowing into the gash. The green light was coming from the Dark Lord’s wand and with each second that passed, the Dark Lord felt his power draining. (Quit using the word light again and again and again and again. You could've just referred to it as *drum rolls* 'it', as I have done.)
The overwhelming pain overcame (When a pain overcame someone, it is already understood that it's overwhelming; this is your 765902th redundancy) him and he collapsed onto the floor, unable to neither lift his wand nor take his eyes of the miraculous scene in front of him. (You know, this last phrase is a double negative. I'll be damned if you don't get this)
The Dark Lord felt his body leaving him, sort of precipitating. (Which one is precipitating? The body? You used this rather metaphysically; you know, precipitate is a scientific word. Simply put, not the pat word.) The baby was still glowing, his emerald eyes still riveted on him, as if he was willing him to disappear. (Willing him to disappear? What the hell does this mean? Perhaps it's meant as; inciting him to disappear) Using the remnants of his strength, the Dark Lord fled, not daring to look back at those glittering emerald eyes. (Remnants of his strength? You know what remnant is? It's residue and it means that it is palpable. Is power palpable? Remainder is more appropriate.)
Gradually, the boy, now eight, started to wake up, covered in a sheen of perspiration. (Sheen. Sheen is a gleam but in Tolkien's world, it's a shiny blade. Anyhow, please enlighten me about this sheen of perspiration thing.) He had been having the same nightmare ever since he was a baby. Glancing at the ancient grandfather clock in a corner of his bedroom, he quickly got out of bed and started getting dressed. His sensei (Fuck this japanese word. It makes me want to sing Glory of Love and watch Karate Kid) would not be pleased if he was late, even on his birthday. (What I don't understand is why you have to stuff so many absurdly useless, exhausting words when what you mean is very simple. You don't even know how to play with figures of speech and idioms and yet you bothered to use these words that are way beyond your meager comprehension. It would've been more forgivable if there's some philosophical meaning behind your words but, damn, you are one staggering writer who unwittingly packs outlandish terms just to show the world that you can make use of them. Do you honestly think that this kind of style hoists you to a higher level of literature? This is no more than an ABJECT form of literary decay. Also, if there's one thing worse than a writer who mangles a language in order to write self-inserts that are devoid of any plot whatsoever, it's the writer who, after gaining only the basic grasp of grammar, abuses the language in order to flaunt a skill that he/she obviously doesn't have. This sentence explains why I used the word abject, unlike you.)
Harry bounced on his feet, waiting for his sensei’s next move. Quickly he twisted his body sideways and flipped backwards to avoid tripping as his sensei’s leg swept the floor. (Don't tell me that I'm dumb; but i don't get this picture.) Regaining his balance, he started his attack, and soon there was a flurry of blows (Flurry of blows? Can a blow fluctuate? Maybe what youb mean is; there's an exchange of blows.) as he matched his sensei. A roundhouse kick...block...double jump front kick...front snap kick...upper hand block. The flurry of movement was hard to follow and soon both opponents moved apart and bowed. Standing silently at the door, Dominique applauded. Harry immediately turned and looked at him, his emerald eyes glittering. (Always glittering...It's such a wonder that while you spend most of the time dawdling with your beloved dictionary, you still failed to omit this redundancy.)
Dominique gazed back at Harry and smiled, a rare occurrence for the Mafia leader. (Rare occurrence? How can it be an occurence when it is intended? Occurrences are only compatible to instances that are not aided by human intentions.) He got his own ninth Dan black belt only when he was seventeen.
After the sensei left the room, Harry couldn’t restrain himself. Launching himself at Dominique, he grinned and asked “Where are we going today?”
The sensei also turned towards Dominique. “Dom, I believe young Harry here is ready for his ninth Dan black belt.”
“Who said we’re going anywhere?” Dominique asked, feinting ignorance.
“You promised that we’ll be skiing today, and need I remind you that incident when you broke your promise...” Harry trailed off tauntingly. (Trailed off and YET tauntingly? Why can't you try doing that and see if you can pull it up? Trailed off means that there is HESITATION. Now, how can you be reluctant and then mocking at the same time? Are you schizophrenic?)
“Okay, okay, I surrender.” Dominique immediately stopped acting, cringing at the vivid memory. (It's not merely acting; it's PLAY-ACTING.)
He remembered all the times when Harry had accidentally and sometimes on purpose used his powers. (Why not simply put it this way: when Harry used his powers).
He sighed, knowing that Harry was one year closer to his eleventh birthday and that he would have to send Harry to that school to learn magic. “What’s wrong, father?” asked Harry, noticing his father’s long period of silence.
Dominique knew that sooner or later, he would have to tell his foster-son the truth, but he couldn’t bear letting him go. His only son, heir to the Mafia throne, the only person that could make him laugh and forget everything else when he smiled at him. (The last sentence is a run on. Don't be a moron.)
“Nothing, Harry. Nothing at all.”
Bet You Love That says: Let me see your mafia knowledge. My prerequisite is for you to watch the whole Godfather series, the Untouchables, and Scarface, or you can also read John Grisham's The Firm. If this doesn't match them, you're screwed. I know you're gonna block me and I know very well that you're gonna say, 'Get a life, I won't stoop down to your level.' Well then, be surprised that you started this. Let me finish it.
--End of my answer
Please pardon my grammatical errors as I've only posted this last night and I've mda no attempt to check it. At least, I don't write in 4s, 2s, Ns and thnxs. Anyway, I have to explain what I said about JK Rowling's writing style. While I may be a big, big fan of HP, I also keep my mind open about its flaws. Mainly, the style that is now tailored for everyone which is seriously downplayed since 2nd graders might not understand it. Now I will not sit by and let some kid who thinks that Artemis Fowl and Harry Potter are stellar achievements in literature insult me. Obviously, this one doesn't know about Ernest Hemingway. It's easy enough to figure that out.
